a strike!

My baby went on a nursing strike on Wednesday. It gradually started with a flu that he had. He would nurse for 3 to 5 minutes and usually comes off crying. Then on Tuesday, he got his vaccination. He had fever that night and was very grumpy. The next morning when I tried to nurse him, he arched his back, pulled away from my breast and cried and cried.... This went on for the whole day which coincidentally overlapped with Patrick's final defense for his PhD. I was tired, felt rejected, and helpless, and very stressed. He was always good at nursing. I figured out that the best time to feed him was when he was falling asleep. So I lied down next to him on my bed and fed him. This continued until Saturday, that's 4 days!!!! Today, he is slowly starting to cave in. In the morning, he nursed eagerly and even fell asleep in my arms. It's not perfect yet but I feel a bit relieved.

Going through this experience made me realize that being able to breastfeed my baby is one of the best things that ever happened to me. Although I do it 8 to 10 times in 24 hours, and have been doing it since hours after his birth, it's always an intimate time I share with Terran. When he's sucking away, I just hold his little hand and watch him. With in the next 6 months, he will probably start weaning and I will miss this so much.

During his nursing strike, I was so stressed. In order to deal with it, I ate half a pumpkin pie and 5 big cream puffs (in one day). Amazingly, stress and some successful attempt to breastfeed has kept my weight from going up. In fact, I lost 3 pounds in 2 days. I don't want to go through it again but isn't that amazing?

a day for me

Terran slept a lot during the day so I had a very productive day that focused primarily on me. I got my updated resume back from the resume writer. It looked pretty good but I needed to add more information so I did that and was able to send the revision back to them. I also contacted my old bosses and colleagues for reference. In addition, I called CAB to ensure that I can take exams in other states and apply them to California license. So I feel that I am slowly starting to get myself into the work mode, which is pretty exciting. After all this time off and focusing so much on Terran, it seems like I forgot about myself, my non-mom abilities, and what I was doing before I became his mom. I also caught up on emails and got preapproval on loan to buy a house.

Since he slept so much today, it seems that he is having problems falling asleep for the night. Better go check....

mommy and me

We went to a mommy and me class for the first time. Terran loved the bubbles and colorful balls spinning on the floor. We sang songs, and did baby massages. It was fun but I realized that I don't know these baby songs. I guess they are american songs and I didn't know them. And I don't typically sing to my baby in English so it was a bit weird.

Aside from the baby fun, I learned that I could go watch movies with Terran. Certain theaters have mom and baby movie time once a week where they lower the sound and leave some lights on in the theater. If the baby starts crying, one can just walk the isles with the baby, feed him, or comfort him in whatever way because all the other moms are doing the same. What a great idea. I think I will go see a movie with Terran next week.

as i get older....

birthdays become less and less meaningful. It's just another day, another year. Pat doesn't even remember how old he is anymore. So he asks me how old I am and figures out how old he is. And here we are, counting the months and weeks of our baby since birth. It's definitely a shift in focus.

But last night, my friends got together for me for a birthday dinner with a candled flan and birthday song and all! It was a nice reminder that I turned 29! Thank you!!!

happy birthday to me!

Today was my birthday. We decided to go have a nice lunch at the Getty and hang around the gardens for the afternoon. It sounded like a good idea until Terran decided not to take a nap and got all grumpy on us during lunch. He started crying in the restaurant so I had to take him outside while Pat finished his lunch.... For the record, I had striped bass (yum) and Pat had Oxtail something or another. Terran snuck a few sips from me at the table as well.....

We went to see my favorite cactus garden. With a stroller, it's really hard to get there. It was beautiful and downtown was visible behind smog. The cactus were much bigger than when we first saw them a few years ago. They even had little baby cactus. Very cute.

Terran eventually fell asleep in his stroller so Pat and I lied down on the grass and took a quick nap. Felt like we were playing hooky. What a day. I was exhausted.

la leche league

My stress-free, worry-free days are over. That's what I seem to be doing most of the time these days. Due to nursing strike brought on by Terran, I have been exhausted, worried, helpless, and stressed. So I decided to go to La Leche League meeting to talk about my problem and ask for advice.

When we got there, I noticed lots of kids and lots of boobs. La Leche League, as advocates of breastfeeding, I guess the whole senario made sense. There were babies as young as Terran to toddlers, I guess about 2 years old. Despite their age, they were all still nursing. Women with giant breasts, comfortably sitting and nursing their little ones. That's what I noticed when we got there.

The most important thing was that the moms assured me that they had gone through exactly what Terran and I were going through at the moment. It could be for a number of reasons. But their attitude was yes it's difficult but it happens. It was comforting to know that we were not alone.

Since the meeting was about 1.5 hours, I had to put Terran down on the floor. I put him down on his tummy, and by accident, woops, he rolled over to his back for the first time! I was shocked and surprised but he seemed surprised as well. So we tried again and he did it again. He seemed to be liking it.

Towards the end, I decided to join the boobs and tried feeding Terran. I was a bit afraid but he must have been hungry because to my delight, he was able to nurse for about 5 minutes before he came off crying. Yay!

I'm going to try finding La Leche League when we get to NJ.

purpose driven life

I got the book from the library with the best intention of finding my life's purpose. After flipping through a few chapters and discovering that it was too Christian, I had to put it down. I wouldn't have minded if there were verses from the Bible here and there. But when the guy started saying stuff like there's no life without Jesus, my connection and interest in the book ended there. Too bad. So I am still floating without purpose....

Bath time....

When I wash Terran's cheeks in bath with a warm towel, he rolls back his head and looks like he's getting the ultimate spa treatment of his life. Except, it happens every night. Then he giggles. It's so cute that we wash his cheeks over and over again.

at home....

Pat is far away in Puerto Rico this week. He calls me daily (sometimes twice a day) to check in. Supposedly away on conference, he calls to tell me about his snorkeling adventures and treks to the rain forest, and seeing tiny little frogs. Over the phone, he lets me hear some exotic sounds of frogs. They sound like birds or like someone whistling in the background. But he insists that they are frogs and their beautiful whistles are so loud that they keep him up at night. Thousands of miles away, here in Los Angeles, what keeps me up at night is the sound of Terran calling for me at 1am and 4am....

Terran and I went to a neighbor's birthday party on Sunday. Hajjia is turning 2 and she's adorable. She loves babies and when she saw Terran, she came up to him and rubbed her cheek against his. I met some other neighbor moms found out one big connection among them: They all work to support their families, take care of their children, and pay bills while the husbands go to school for their PhDs. It is now so clear to me that women are so much stronger and are capable of doing so much more than one expects. Without women, families cannot function, and men get nowhere.... It's true.

having chinese parents

Having Chinese parents-in-law has definitely been an eye opening experience. Their mind and their logic is completely different from those of my own. Here are some examples:

1. Pat is sick these days. He's been coughing and he had some fever. He is trying to finish up his dissertation; he is stressed. On top of that, he started exercising again, not lightly, but running 8 miles a day. I know that stress and physical strain were the cause to his sickness. His mom says: "Your sick because you ate so much curry. Don't eat curry any more"....

2. I've been breastfeeding Terran since he was born. In the last 3.5 months, Terran and I have mastered the art of breastfeeding. He knows how to position his head perfectly so that he is most comfortable while he eats. And I know how to hold him so that he is most happy. His mom says: "Don't squish his nose against your boobs when he eats. His nose will be grow deformed and he will be ugly"....

3. During pregnancy, I was careful to eat healthy and avoid foods that could cause problems for the baby, namely raw egg, rare beef, undercooked meat, and sashimi. Here are more things that I avoided taking advice from the in-laws: mango, pinapple, watermelon, snake, and lamb. His dad provided an example from his personal experience: When he was in Hong Kong, 30 years ago, he met a mother who gave birth to an ugly baby with rashes on her face. The reason for her rashes? Because the mom ate watermelon during pregnancy.

4. His dad emailed us with a very important health tip: Don't wash hair with cold water. Also followed by a real life example. A cousin of his didn't listen to her elders and washed her hair with cold water. As a result, after many many years when she became old, she developed migranes so bad that she has to take 3 tylenols daily to deal with it.

When I first heard these kind of advice, I just rolled my eyes and laughed. But these days, it's just getting more and more ridiculous. I don't know how much longer I can handle them. Note to Pat: if your parents tell you these things over the phone, don't relay their message to me. I've heard enough....

I'm a home maker

Until very recently, I focused only on myself. I was the center of the universe, and everything else, everyone else, were there around me. My career was most important and I wanted to grow and succeed.

The birth of my baby, Terran, has completely altered the way I view myself and what's important. I decided not to go back to work for awhile. Mostly because we are moving and there's no point going back for a couple of months. My disability money and family leave money is all gone now. Good thing I saved up enough to not have to worry about money for awhile.

So now, I am at home, making breakfast, lunch and dinner for Patrick, doing daily chores, and still waking up in the middle of the night to feed Terran. There's definitely nothing architectural about my life now. Although I carve to go back to work (mostly so that I can get quiet days in front of the computer - there's nothing more stressful and worrisome than being responsible for a person's life), I realize that there's no life without a family of my own.

I always respected working moms. But now, I have a greater respect for stay-at-home moms also know a s "home makers". My mom was a home maker but I never realized how difficult her job was. Taking care of kids and household is physically and mentally challenging. My baby is getting heavier and heavier, but since he is still immobile, I need to carry him around in my arms for many hours during the day. He is starting to gain some independence, but he still prefers to be cuddled and held. In the afternoon, I try to prepare dinner, but at the same time, Terran gets grumpy and calls for my attention. He takes naps during the day, but it seems to be getting shorter these days, and during his naps, I try to take shower, do the dishes, get something to eat, and clean up the mess around the apartment. People ask me what I do all day and why I'm so busy, but honestly, I've never been busier and I've never had to exert myself as much as I do now. As a result, I fall asleep, completely exhausted at the end of the day, only to be woken up in 4 hours for another feeding....

All this, however, is not a complaint. I love being with Terran, and watching him change day to day. Terran's life has taught me that career is not the most important things in life. Career opportunities are easy to come by. But a relationship with my baby, my husband, and my friends, are really one of a kind. I suppose I will get a job when we settle in the east coast. But I've accepted that it's my job to first stablize the family, then look for something for myself.

EDIT: After re-reading the first paragraph days later, I don't know what I was talking about. I was never than ambitious about work. All I wanted was to love my work and go on vacations....

little sister

My little sister goes t USC. She's 19 now. Ever since she was born, she got attention from everyone in the family, whether she liked it or not (most of the time not, I assume). Mom told her what to do, and everyone tried to help her out. Although my middle sister and I grew up to be very independent, the little one didn't seem that way. She always seemed pretty clueless and irresponsible. She always got help before she even asked. She hardly ever shared her thoughts and feelings with us, although I know that she kept a lot to herself inside.

However, this year, for one reason or another, she seemed to have turned around and brightened up. She changed her major from computer science to business administration and she's loving it. My dad always wanted us girls to study business. At last, she became the one to do it. It seems like she's trying to structure her lifestyle. To a college student, that's very mature. She cooks for herself and for her roommate everyday, and she seems to be exercising frequently. She tells me that she has time to study, be a part of several organizations, and party.

I was always worried about her and how her procrastination, and irresponsible attitude will affect her. But recently, she just seems so different, so grown up, and so delighted. It makes me happy that she is so naturally turning into a beautiful young woman.

Fred Segal Haircut

I was walking along Third Street Promenade when a girl from Fred Segal Salon approached me. She said that she was looking for a hair model to do a contemporary short runway hairstyle and if I was interested and it will be free. I needed a haircut anyway and it's Fred Segal so I thought why not. I didn't think it would be one of the worst hair cut experience in my life. I had the worst haircut experience in college so I wouldn't rank this to be the worst. It's second from the worst.

The hair salon is totally poshe. They have a beautiful waiting lounge with awesome couches. The hair stylist, Hannah, took me to the booth. washed my hair, and started working on the new cut. There were about seven other hair models in the room. They were all getting the same haircut. Hannah worked on my hair one strand at a time. I was impressed by how meticulous she was but I also noticed early on that the length of my hair on one side was a bit longer than the other. 30 minutes into the appointment, I was already getting tired and my hair was still as long as when I walked into the salon. I was getting frustrated but I guess I got myself into this free haircut situation....

I don't know what the issue was with Hannah but she was not a typical hair stylist. Hannah had bad eye sight. I'm sure a lot of hair stylists do. But I've never seen anyone repeatedly put on and removed her glasses as she worked on my hair. In addition, during the 2.5 hour session, she dropped her comb and her sissors number of times. She would cut my hair every so slowly, and at the end, I got the "runway" mushroom cut! I had this haircut when I was in kindergarten!

This so-called runway cut was a style that's really "in" these days, Hannah said. But she wanted to give me a more textured look. Since I wasn't all that thrilled with my retro kindergarten look, I said ok, go ahead.

So she started chomping on my hair to create texture. 3 minutes into the chomping, she screamed and I saw blood. She cut her finger instead of my hair!!!! Agh! I wanted to run but I was in no condition to do so. She left for 10 minutes, came back to finish really quickly, and I dashed out of the salon without getting my hair dried.

At home, when I got all the gel out of my hair, I got some comments from my family. My mom said, I told you not to do it. My husband said, it's not even. My sister said, it's crooked and it looks like there's a patch missing. My son, since he can't talk yet, he just stared at me with big eyes. Thanks everyone.

I'm too cheap to go get it fixed right now. I'm going to let it grow out a bit, then get it fixed. No more hair models. And what's the big deal with Fred Segal???

nap

I took a nap with Terran this morning. When we take naps, I usually wake up before he does. But today, I fell deep into sleep and he was the first to awake. Until recently, he would cry when he wakes. But this morning, lying next to his sleeping mom, he positioned himself perpendicular to my body and started kicking my stomach. I felt him doing this for a long time before I realized what was going on. When I opened my eyes, his bright eyes were calling for me and his legs moving vigorously.
Terran has changed so much in the past few days. He cries less. When he poops, he doesn't scream or make a big deal out of it. He seems to study his surroundings more. He can stay awake without crying. This morning, my mom was able to get him to laugh out loud! When he's hungry in the middle of the night, he would call me rather than to cry. He's such an awesome kid.

French Women Don't Get Fat

I just finished reading it. The book offers some good advice and interesting, easy-to-make recipes. The authors talks about eating 3 meals a day, without skipping breakfast, moderation is the best way to loose weight, and to eat food in season. Although there are lots of great ideas, I just cannot get over my own idea about the author: what kind of an arrogant bitch is she!? Throughout the book, she seems to often repeat her idea that French women are intelligent and sophisticated, and slim, and you, Americans are fat, couch potatoes.
It's just so unfortunate that her derogatory views of American women and way of life is expressed so strongly, while she shows no modesty for her own ways and for her being French. I am surprised that such a book became a best-seller in this country. How can an American woman read this and not be offended? I not even American and I got super offended. I wish she could have kept this thought to herself and not expressed it so rudely in this very public way.
Her way of communicating some noble ways of eating has totally ruined the book for me. I wish I could have liked this book more. I wish she wasn't such a bitch. And I wish she hadn't portrayed the stereotypical snobby way that the French are viewed outside of France.

The truth about motherhood

I hate being asked "So, how does it feel to be a mom?" People ask it with an dreamy smile, only expecting sweet and happy answers. Even parents with kids ask me this question, as if they have already forgotten their first few weeks with a new born baby.
The truth is that it's terrible. It was nothing that I imagined. Folks talk about labor as the most painful experience. Labor is painful, but early motherhood is even worse.
My pain and exhaustion from labor lingered for at least 3 weeks. I couldn't eat, and I just felt tired. I would drag my feet to go around the apartment. I was slouchy and could only walk very slowly. I hear the baby's sounds and sigh. Even through exhaustion, there was no time to sleep. I would get up to feed him in the middle of the night. On our clock, I would see every hour of the day and night go by. While I feed him, I only pray that I would not be awake to see the next hour go by. I cried often, from exhausting and hormonal imbalance.
After 9 weeks, I have more energy. The baby sleeps better at night. My mom is here and helps me keep my sanity. She and I would go out shopping with the baby in his cart. Strangers peek in and says how adorable he is. Little do they know that he's a tiny monster at home. My husband comes home at night and says how he missed him. I am only too willing to hand over the task. But somehow, I can't completely let go. I sit close by and watch him hold and talk to the baby.
A couple of weeks ago, he gave us his first smiles. It is adorable. When I peek into his crib, he sees me, and hears me, and smiles. I live for that recognition. It feels like he knows that I am his mom.

getty

Ever since Terran hit the age of one month, the three of us (Terran, Mom, and I) have been going out almost daily. So yesterday, we went to the Getty since my mom hasn't been there yet. The advantage of being able to hang out on the weekday is that hardly anyone else is doing it. The Restaurant was only have full so we were able to have a nice lunch there while Terran slept. We walked around the gardens and went into some exhibit spaces. Terran loved lying in the sun but it was a bit too bright for him so I let him borrow my sunglasses....

many changes

This year has been filled with surprises. On January 3, I found out about my pregancy (already 10 weeks in). Then on July 9, we had our baby. Now in August, Patrick decided on a job, and we will be moving out of California by the end of the year. In the beginning of next year, we are probably going to buy a house, I will probably start a new job, find new friends, and hope everything works out fine. None of this was planned. It just all happened and we do our best to keep up with the changes. Everyday, I am trying to learn quickly, to be the best mom I can be for Terran, and prepare myself for the next step in our life. I am growing up very very fast.

Death of Peter Jennings

The death of star ABC anchor was a shock to America and the world. Peter Jennings died of lung cancer. According to the recent ABC special on Peter Jennings, he was a heavy smoker who stopped smoking 20 years ago when his children were born. In one of his last TV appearances, he admitted that he caved in and smoked during 9/11, due to stress and pressure. That was just that rare occasion. During his career, he held many interviews and investigations on the tabacco industry and uncover many of the facts that we know today.
All this made me think of my dad. He loves his cigarettes. My mom and I were talking and we guessed what he would say about this. "He quit 20 years ago and he still died because of cigarettes. Why should I stop now?" Next time we talk, I should confirm his thoughts.

Post partum days

Some women go through post partum depression. I can hardly say that I am going through that now. I am happy and feel pretty much back to my normal self (except for 15lbs more to loose). The only thing is that at night, when I am so tired, tears just start rolling down my face. There's nothing wrong, and I don't have any regrets, but I need to have a good long cry. Just because.... Pat has been good to me about this. He doesn't ask any questions but just lets me wet his shoulder.