Bath time....

When I wash Terran's cheeks in bath with a warm towel, he rolls back his head and looks like he's getting the ultimate spa treatment of his life. Except, it happens every night. Then he giggles. It's so cute that we wash his cheeks over and over again.

at home....

Pat is far away in Puerto Rico this week. He calls me daily (sometimes twice a day) to check in. Supposedly away on conference, he calls to tell me about his snorkeling adventures and treks to the rain forest, and seeing tiny little frogs. Over the phone, he lets me hear some exotic sounds of frogs. They sound like birds or like someone whistling in the background. But he insists that they are frogs and their beautiful whistles are so loud that they keep him up at night. Thousands of miles away, here in Los Angeles, what keeps me up at night is the sound of Terran calling for me at 1am and 4am....

Terran and I went to a neighbor's birthday party on Sunday. Hajjia is turning 2 and she's adorable. She loves babies and when she saw Terran, she came up to him and rubbed her cheek against his. I met some other neighbor moms found out one big connection among them: They all work to support their families, take care of their children, and pay bills while the husbands go to school for their PhDs. It is now so clear to me that women are so much stronger and are capable of doing so much more than one expects. Without women, families cannot function, and men get nowhere.... It's true.

having chinese parents

Having Chinese parents-in-law has definitely been an eye opening experience. Their mind and their logic is completely different from those of my own. Here are some examples:

1. Pat is sick these days. He's been coughing and he had some fever. He is trying to finish up his dissertation; he is stressed. On top of that, he started exercising again, not lightly, but running 8 miles a day. I know that stress and physical strain were the cause to his sickness. His mom says: "Your sick because you ate so much curry. Don't eat curry any more"....

2. I've been breastfeeding Terran since he was born. In the last 3.5 months, Terran and I have mastered the art of breastfeeding. He knows how to position his head perfectly so that he is most comfortable while he eats. And I know how to hold him so that he is most happy. His mom says: "Don't squish his nose against your boobs when he eats. His nose will be grow deformed and he will be ugly"....

3. During pregnancy, I was careful to eat healthy and avoid foods that could cause problems for the baby, namely raw egg, rare beef, undercooked meat, and sashimi. Here are more things that I avoided taking advice from the in-laws: mango, pinapple, watermelon, snake, and lamb. His dad provided an example from his personal experience: When he was in Hong Kong, 30 years ago, he met a mother who gave birth to an ugly baby with rashes on her face. The reason for her rashes? Because the mom ate watermelon during pregnancy.

4. His dad emailed us with a very important health tip: Don't wash hair with cold water. Also followed by a real life example. A cousin of his didn't listen to her elders and washed her hair with cold water. As a result, after many many years when she became old, she developed migranes so bad that she has to take 3 tylenols daily to deal with it.

When I first heard these kind of advice, I just rolled my eyes and laughed. But these days, it's just getting more and more ridiculous. I don't know how much longer I can handle them. Note to Pat: if your parents tell you these things over the phone, don't relay their message to me. I've heard enough....

I'm a home maker

Until very recently, I focused only on myself. I was the center of the universe, and everything else, everyone else, were there around me. My career was most important and I wanted to grow and succeed.

The birth of my baby, Terran, has completely altered the way I view myself and what's important. I decided not to go back to work for awhile. Mostly because we are moving and there's no point going back for a couple of months. My disability money and family leave money is all gone now. Good thing I saved up enough to not have to worry about money for awhile.

So now, I am at home, making breakfast, lunch and dinner for Patrick, doing daily chores, and still waking up in the middle of the night to feed Terran. There's definitely nothing architectural about my life now. Although I carve to go back to work (mostly so that I can get quiet days in front of the computer - there's nothing more stressful and worrisome than being responsible for a person's life), I realize that there's no life without a family of my own.

I always respected working moms. But now, I have a greater respect for stay-at-home moms also know a s "home makers". My mom was a home maker but I never realized how difficult her job was. Taking care of kids and household is physically and mentally challenging. My baby is getting heavier and heavier, but since he is still immobile, I need to carry him around in my arms for many hours during the day. He is starting to gain some independence, but he still prefers to be cuddled and held. In the afternoon, I try to prepare dinner, but at the same time, Terran gets grumpy and calls for my attention. He takes naps during the day, but it seems to be getting shorter these days, and during his naps, I try to take shower, do the dishes, get something to eat, and clean up the mess around the apartment. People ask me what I do all day and why I'm so busy, but honestly, I've never been busier and I've never had to exert myself as much as I do now. As a result, I fall asleep, completely exhausted at the end of the day, only to be woken up in 4 hours for another feeding....

All this, however, is not a complaint. I love being with Terran, and watching him change day to day. Terran's life has taught me that career is not the most important things in life. Career opportunities are easy to come by. But a relationship with my baby, my husband, and my friends, are really one of a kind. I suppose I will get a job when we settle in the east coast. But I've accepted that it's my job to first stablize the family, then look for something for myself.

EDIT: After re-reading the first paragraph days later, I don't know what I was talking about. I was never than ambitious about work. All I wanted was to love my work and go on vacations....

little sister

My little sister goes t USC. She's 19 now. Ever since she was born, she got attention from everyone in the family, whether she liked it or not (most of the time not, I assume). Mom told her what to do, and everyone tried to help her out. Although my middle sister and I grew up to be very independent, the little one didn't seem that way. She always seemed pretty clueless and irresponsible. She always got help before she even asked. She hardly ever shared her thoughts and feelings with us, although I know that she kept a lot to herself inside.

However, this year, for one reason or another, she seemed to have turned around and brightened up. She changed her major from computer science to business administration and she's loving it. My dad always wanted us girls to study business. At last, she became the one to do it. It seems like she's trying to structure her lifestyle. To a college student, that's very mature. She cooks for herself and for her roommate everyday, and she seems to be exercising frequently. She tells me that she has time to study, be a part of several organizations, and party.

I was always worried about her and how her procrastination, and irresponsible attitude will affect her. But recently, she just seems so different, so grown up, and so delighted. It makes me happy that she is so naturally turning into a beautiful young woman.

Fred Segal Haircut

I was walking along Third Street Promenade when a girl from Fred Segal Salon approached me. She said that she was looking for a hair model to do a contemporary short runway hairstyle and if I was interested and it will be free. I needed a haircut anyway and it's Fred Segal so I thought why not. I didn't think it would be one of the worst hair cut experience in my life. I had the worst haircut experience in college so I wouldn't rank this to be the worst. It's second from the worst.

The hair salon is totally poshe. They have a beautiful waiting lounge with awesome couches. The hair stylist, Hannah, took me to the booth. washed my hair, and started working on the new cut. There were about seven other hair models in the room. They were all getting the same haircut. Hannah worked on my hair one strand at a time. I was impressed by how meticulous she was but I also noticed early on that the length of my hair on one side was a bit longer than the other. 30 minutes into the appointment, I was already getting tired and my hair was still as long as when I walked into the salon. I was getting frustrated but I guess I got myself into this free haircut situation....

I don't know what the issue was with Hannah but she was not a typical hair stylist. Hannah had bad eye sight. I'm sure a lot of hair stylists do. But I've never seen anyone repeatedly put on and removed her glasses as she worked on my hair. In addition, during the 2.5 hour session, she dropped her comb and her sissors number of times. She would cut my hair every so slowly, and at the end, I got the "runway" mushroom cut! I had this haircut when I was in kindergarten!

This so-called runway cut was a style that's really "in" these days, Hannah said. But she wanted to give me a more textured look. Since I wasn't all that thrilled with my retro kindergarten look, I said ok, go ahead.

So she started chomping on my hair to create texture. 3 minutes into the chomping, she screamed and I saw blood. She cut her finger instead of my hair!!!! Agh! I wanted to run but I was in no condition to do so. She left for 10 minutes, came back to finish really quickly, and I dashed out of the salon without getting my hair dried.

At home, when I got all the gel out of my hair, I got some comments from my family. My mom said, I told you not to do it. My husband said, it's not even. My sister said, it's crooked and it looks like there's a patch missing. My son, since he can't talk yet, he just stared at me with big eyes. Thanks everyone.

I'm too cheap to go get it fixed right now. I'm going to let it grow out a bit, then get it fixed. No more hair models. And what's the big deal with Fred Segal???

nap

I took a nap with Terran this morning. When we take naps, I usually wake up before he does. But today, I fell deep into sleep and he was the first to awake. Until recently, he would cry when he wakes. But this morning, lying next to his sleeping mom, he positioned himself perpendicular to my body and started kicking my stomach. I felt him doing this for a long time before I realized what was going on. When I opened my eyes, his bright eyes were calling for me and his legs moving vigorously.
Terran has changed so much in the past few days. He cries less. When he poops, he doesn't scream or make a big deal out of it. He seems to study his surroundings more. He can stay awake without crying. This morning, my mom was able to get him to laugh out loud! When he's hungry in the middle of the night, he would call me rather than to cry. He's such an awesome kid.

French Women Don't Get Fat

I just finished reading it. The book offers some good advice and interesting, easy-to-make recipes. The authors talks about eating 3 meals a day, without skipping breakfast, moderation is the best way to loose weight, and to eat food in season. Although there are lots of great ideas, I just cannot get over my own idea about the author: what kind of an arrogant bitch is she!? Throughout the book, she seems to often repeat her idea that French women are intelligent and sophisticated, and slim, and you, Americans are fat, couch potatoes.
It's just so unfortunate that her derogatory views of American women and way of life is expressed so strongly, while she shows no modesty for her own ways and for her being French. I am surprised that such a book became a best-seller in this country. How can an American woman read this and not be offended? I not even American and I got super offended. I wish she could have kept this thought to herself and not expressed it so rudely in this very public way.
Her way of communicating some noble ways of eating has totally ruined the book for me. I wish I could have liked this book more. I wish she wasn't such a bitch. And I wish she hadn't portrayed the stereotypical snobby way that the French are viewed outside of France.

The truth about motherhood

I hate being asked "So, how does it feel to be a mom?" People ask it with an dreamy smile, only expecting sweet and happy answers. Even parents with kids ask me this question, as if they have already forgotten their first few weeks with a new born baby.
The truth is that it's terrible. It was nothing that I imagined. Folks talk about labor as the most painful experience. Labor is painful, but early motherhood is even worse.
My pain and exhaustion from labor lingered for at least 3 weeks. I couldn't eat, and I just felt tired. I would drag my feet to go around the apartment. I was slouchy and could only walk very slowly. I hear the baby's sounds and sigh. Even through exhaustion, there was no time to sleep. I would get up to feed him in the middle of the night. On our clock, I would see every hour of the day and night go by. While I feed him, I only pray that I would not be awake to see the next hour go by. I cried often, from exhausting and hormonal imbalance.
After 9 weeks, I have more energy. The baby sleeps better at night. My mom is here and helps me keep my sanity. She and I would go out shopping with the baby in his cart. Strangers peek in and says how adorable he is. Little do they know that he's a tiny monster at home. My husband comes home at night and says how he missed him. I am only too willing to hand over the task. But somehow, I can't completely let go. I sit close by and watch him hold and talk to the baby.
A couple of weeks ago, he gave us his first smiles. It is adorable. When I peek into his crib, he sees me, and hears me, and smiles. I live for that recognition. It feels like he knows that I am his mom.

getty

Ever since Terran hit the age of one month, the three of us (Terran, Mom, and I) have been going out almost daily. So yesterday, we went to the Getty since my mom hasn't been there yet. The advantage of being able to hang out on the weekday is that hardly anyone else is doing it. The Restaurant was only have full so we were able to have a nice lunch there while Terran slept. We walked around the gardens and went into some exhibit spaces. Terran loved lying in the sun but it was a bit too bright for him so I let him borrow my sunglasses....

many changes

This year has been filled with surprises. On January 3, I found out about my pregancy (already 10 weeks in). Then on July 9, we had our baby. Now in August, Patrick decided on a job, and we will be moving out of California by the end of the year. In the beginning of next year, we are probably going to buy a house, I will probably start a new job, find new friends, and hope everything works out fine. None of this was planned. It just all happened and we do our best to keep up with the changes. Everyday, I am trying to learn quickly, to be the best mom I can be for Terran, and prepare myself for the next step in our life. I am growing up very very fast.

Death of Peter Jennings

The death of star ABC anchor was a shock to America and the world. Peter Jennings died of lung cancer. According to the recent ABC special on Peter Jennings, he was a heavy smoker who stopped smoking 20 years ago when his children were born. In one of his last TV appearances, he admitted that he caved in and smoked during 9/11, due to stress and pressure. That was just that rare occasion. During his career, he held many interviews and investigations on the tabacco industry and uncover many of the facts that we know today.
All this made me think of my dad. He loves his cigarettes. My mom and I were talking and we guessed what he would say about this. "He quit 20 years ago and he still died because of cigarettes. Why should I stop now?" Next time we talk, I should confirm his thoughts.

Post partum days

Some women go through post partum depression. I can hardly say that I am going through that now. I am happy and feel pretty much back to my normal self (except for 15lbs more to loose). The only thing is that at night, when I am so tired, tears just start rolling down my face. There's nothing wrong, and I don't have any regrets, but I need to have a good long cry. Just because.... Pat has been good to me about this. He doesn't ask any questions but just lets me wet his shoulder.

without sleep

The longest sleep I've gotten since Terran was born is 3 continuous hours. I've heard people saying that you get little sleep in the beginning but I never understood what that meant. Now I know. Having always loved my sleep so much, I wonder how I do it, and how all the other mothers do it. The power of responsibility to provide love and sustenance to this little person goes a long way.

Commencement address by Steve Jobs

My father emailed all of us, the Commencement address by Steve Jobs delivered on June 12, 2005 at Stanford University. It reflects his belief and what I would like to live by.

What I took from his speech: "Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do."

My son

His name is Terran Wai Chow. He was born on July 9, 2005. At birth, he was 6.5 pounds and 18.75 inches. He is very healthy. He eats a lot, pees a lot, and shits a lot. He sleeps well during the day, and not so well at night....

When we mass emailed our family and friends and regarding Terran's arrival, we got many responses back indicating same birthday as his. They include:
Odysseus - Patrick's advisor's son who turned 4 that day.

Tuktun - Joy's husband. Joy's my architecture buddy from Berkeley and they now live in Thailand. At first, Joy and I tried to keep in touch via snail mail, just because neither of us get any personal snail mails these days. But for obvious modern reasons, our communication is now via email. It seems to make more sense.

Li Qiao - My friend and roommate from Berkeley. She lives in Alhambra and we see her at least once a week. She remains one of my closer friends from Berkeley.

Li Wei - Li Qiao's little brother.

Mei Xiang's cub - little panda bear was born in D.C. on July 9. According to website, cubs are born at 3 to 5 oz. and the caretakers were not absolutely sure that Mei Xiang was pregnant until she actually gave birth. Mom stayed with the cub day and night until she finally left for a break on the 5th day to get herself some water.

Happy Birthday to all who share that special day!

at the hospital: 6cm to the finish line

Boy was she wrong about that. After the doctor left, my contraction quickly began to escalate. They were coming at about 3 minutes apart, but the pain was unimaginable. I could hardly relax between contractions and my whole body shook wildly with each. I told Pat to get the nurse because it was just getting so bad and I didn't know how to handle the pain. When she got to the room, she saw the monitor and saw that I was in pain. Since I was shaking so much, she asked if I wanted more epidural where I eagerly responded yes.
After the epidural at 5cm, the strength of contraction escalated pretty quickly. I can't remember that second epidural giving me any relief at all. The nurse wanted to check to see how much I was dialated but I told her I couldn't let her do that because I was hurting so much. She was an experienced nurse and was very calm through my very bitchy attitude. She told me that I had to let her check me "for the baby". I guess that struck a chord with me so I let her examine me. She told me that I was 7 to 8cm dialated. This was unexpected because I went from 5 cm to 8cm in a very short time. Each contraction is suppose to last anywhere between a minute to 90 seconds. At this point, the monitor showed that my contraction was very strong and lasted for what seemed like eternity. When I saw the monitor, the contraction began, escalated, fluctuated, but it never came down. I was in tears and Pat stared at the monitor in disbelief. This is definitely not what the lamaze class taught us.
At this point, the nurse called that doctor to come back because I was ready. After the phone call, the nurse examined me and I was 9 cm dialated. I knew from the lamaze class that I was not suppose to push until 10cm. So for a few dialation, I tried to ease the pain by blowing out air from my mouth instead of pushing. Finally, I couldn't bare anymore and the need to push was too great. I asked the nurse if I can start pushing now and she gave me an OK. This gave me great relief and I started to push. Each contraction was now a minute apart and a minute long. But after pushing for a minute I was able to relax completely to began pushing again. At first, I was screaming when I pushed but the nurse told me that that was not the way to do it. I was suppose to hold my lips together and push.
The doctor came back pretty quickly as I was pushing. She seemed to be saying that she can feel the baby's head. Pat was peaking to see if he can see but I don't think he saw anything at this point. I continued pushing until everyone could see the baby's head. The nurse positioned a big mirror so that I could see but with all the blood and other stuff down there, no, I could not see the baby's head.
The pressure was really great by this point. The baby's body was pushing down on my bladder, and I felt like I had to go to the bathroom. This lasted for about 45 minutes or so. It felt like the baby was stalled at the same position and couldn't come out. I was lying down on my back at first, but we decided to look sideways to see if it works. I also went on my knees and pushed, but to me nothing seemed to be changing the position of the baby and the pressure was unbarable.
At the end, I decided to go on my right side and push. Maybe because I've been pushing for so long but for some reason, this worked. I felt the baby's head coming out. Even though it was still painful, this was a big relief for me because I felt progress. I heard Pat telling me to keep push and not to give up. He told me that I'm almost there, so I kept pushing. The pain and the pressure were so great at this point that I bit down hard into the bed rail. Although I did not see what was going on, I felt that the baby's head was out. And soon, once his shoulders were out, the rest of the body slid out quickly.
And there he was. My precious little Terran. The nurse cleaned out stuff from his nose and mouth. He started to cry and was handed to me to hold. At this point, I just couldn't believe that I had squeezed this thing out of my body. I couldn't believe that something so beautiful was growing inside my body all these months. Terran is a sign of perfection. He has everything that a male body should have and I was amazed by nature's awesome design, process, and creation.

at the hospital: 1cm to 5cm

When we got there, I was first put into Triage to check out what's going on. At that point, the nurse told me that yes, my water was ruptured, and i was 1 to 2 cm dialated. She told us that we will be admitted for labor. At that point, I felt relief that the pain in the last 6 hours wasn't for no reason. We also both agreed that we are hardly ready for this. Water was still running between my legs and wetting the bed. The nurse helped me to get up and transfered me to a big LDR room, where, I was to spend the next 5 hours or so.
When the nurse saw that I was 3 to 4 cm dialated, she asked if I wanted medication to help me through labor. I told her that I was considering getting epidural. She said OK and got the doctor to give me the medication right away. I wasn't so sure if I wanted to get the epidural so early because I felt that I was still able to handle the pain. The Lamaze class taught me that you can get the medication while you are dialated anywhere between 3 to 7cm. I expressed my hesitation at that time but they told me that my pain will only increase and it's best to do it at that time.
The process of putting in the epidural spanned through 3 or 4 contraction. (I have no idea how many minutes that was....) It was difficult to focus on the breathing through the contraction while the doctor was poking things in my back. They also added another tube to my bladder since I couldn't get up to go to the bathroom anymore. This was a weird and uncomfortable feeling. I think what they did was put a tube through where I would usually urinate and hooked it up to the bladder to pump out the urine. It felt like I needed to go pee but I couldn't but that was OK since that tube took care of it. It was very uncomfortable. In addition to all this, the nurse told me that I had to wear oxygen mask because the baby's heartbeat dropped each time I had contraction. Regularly, his heartbeat should have gone up with the contraction. So at this point, I had IV in my arm along with some sort of antibiotics, epidural in my back, tube to my bladder, and oxygen mask on my face. Lying in a hospital bed with all these tubes hooked up to me was a new experience for a regularly healthy person.
The suggestion to give my the epidural early was a good one because the strength of the contractions escalated between 4 to 5 cm. With the epidural, it blocked out the pain but there was still a lot of uncomfortable pressure. Everytime I had a contraction, I felt like I had to go pee and boo at the same time but couldn't do either. The pressure and what felt like pain was so strong that my body started shaking and I started yelling at each contraction. All through these contractions, Patrick stood next to me, helpless and just encouraging me to breath through them. I can imagine that it must have been difficult and exhausting for him to go through this with me when there was really nothing he could have done. He just held my hand and gave me ice chips. The doctor came to see me when I was 5 cm dialated. It must have been around 10:00 or 10:30am. She left pretty quickly saying that I have a long way to go until I get to 10 cm when I can start pushing.

After a long day

Friday was another regularly busy day at work.... For dinner, Pat and I went to visit Jen and her boyfriend for dinner at his apartment near LAX. The food was great, the company was good, and we came home exhausted from the week. After crawling into bed, Pat fell asleep right away. I was up reading London Bridges by James Patterson when I felt a thud in my body around 12:30am. I immediately felt like going to the bathroom. There I saw this whitish substance coming out. I was pretty calm about it and thought that maybe it was my mucus plug coming out. After all, I was suppose to have 3 more weeks of pregnancy.
The pain during the first 3 hours was extremely bareable. It was so light that I didn't wake up Patrick. I thought that maybe they would go away. Even if it was the actually labor pains, I wanted him to get some sleep before we have to go through it.
At 3am, I woke him up because my back was killing me. The pain came about every 5 minutes by then, and they we mostly in my back. Pat tried to help me ease the pain by forcefully rolling 2 tennis size balls on my back.
At 5:30am, the pain was still persistant. I figured out by this time that they are contractions. Pat finally called the doctor, who told us to go to the hospital, just in case....

Terran's stuff

He's not even born yet and he has so much stuff! I'm usually in a habit of throwing out un-needed things, or trying not to buy things that are not necessary. Partly because I move so damn much, partly because I've only lived in small apartments, but mostly because I hate clutter! But over the months, our little Terran has received so many gifts from so many people, that now we have a room full of his stuff. I thought he was taking up an awful lot of space in my body, but he's definitely taking up way too much space in our apartment.... Problem with baby stuff is that they are big and oddly shaped. There's nothing I can neatly hide away in the closet, so they have to stay out on the floor, where they all look cluttered, and messy. So this will be my life for the next few years. I better just accept it.